Gifted Slacker

From Jason Mulgrew:

“Sexsomnia. This is exactly like it sounds like. Years ago, an ex-girlfriend told me that I started feeling her up in my sleep, before I tried to make out with her. In the morning, I got the “Do you know what you did last night?” line and I thought for sure I had peed or poo’ed in her bed. When she told me what I had done, I had no recollection of it. But, whatever. I’m awesome, and I like making out and sleeping, so it’s only natural that I should combine the two. I chalked it up to a one time thing.

But it wasn’t. Over the years, I’d fall asleep next to whatever girl happened to be getting back at her ex and/or father at the time, and I’d wake up and we’d be doing it. I’m not talking like heavy petting here; we’d be doing it, like actual intercourse. In the midst of this, I’d suddenly come to consciousness, completely disoriented, grasp what was going on, and totally keep going. Because it was awesome.

[This wouldn’t be an R, because for this sex to happen, the girl would have to acquiesce. Basically, I’d be asleep and start trying to be smooth. My ladyfriend would be woken up by this, would either think I was awake or I was doing my sleep sex thing (depending upon how familiar she was with me), and would either go with it or push me away. If she pushed me away, I’d wake up without knowing what happened. If she kept going, I’d wake up and be getting laid. Sweet.]

[Also, I think that ex-ladyfriends would go with it because I’m probably a much better lover in my sleep. While sexsomniaing, I don’t speak at all. While conscious and having sex, my every move is peppered with talking, like "Geez, I’m sorry" or "Whoa - is that what it’s supposed to look like?" and "I swear I just washed there."]

I don’t know what causes this. It’s not as though it would happen after weeks of not getting laid. In some instances, I would have sex only an hour or two before, then “wake up” and want to do it again (which is very impressive, considering it takes me 24-96 hours to recover between non-masturbatory orgasms; I only need ten minutes and a sandwich between beat breaks). And at first, it was kinda rare, but in my last serious relationship, it occurred maybe once every eight times my ex and I shared a bed. Weird? Yes. Awesome? Goddamn right. Anytime I can get right to the good stuff without having to use any foreplay or purchase any fancy dinner and do it while I’m sleep, well, that’s just fucking terrific.

(However, because of the sexsomnia I can never, ever, under any circumstances share a bed with a dude. Just not a good idea. At all. Talk about Russian roulette. Yikes.)”