Gifted Slacker

I am in serious pain today.

I went to the gym this morning, as always. I was just about done with my workout when, feeling a bit of tightness in my lowerback, I began to bend over to stretch. That’s when I hurt myself. I got about 5-10º from vertical, at which point I was hit by a bolt of pain in my lower back, starting just above my tail and extending to about 1/3 of the way up my spine.

The pain nearly knocked me down. Fortunately, gyms are filled with heavy things to lean on.

Eventually, I made my way to the stairs and out of the building without attracting too much attention. It took me about half an hour to get back to Leazes Terrace. During my old-man slow walk home three people stopped me, asking if I was okay. I found it quite comforting that so many strangers showed concern about some random guy stumbling through the park. This also made me wonder just how badly I was moving.

It’s been a few hours since I hurt myself, and there’s been a bit of minor improvement but I still can’t sit, stand, walk or lie down comfortably.

Several times in my life I’ve gone through periods of intense pain, and this ranks with the worst I’ve experienced. Whenever I’m dealing with pain I’m thankful my dad is who he is.

My dad has dealt with, sometimes debilitating, chronic pain for as long as I can remember. Growing up I’ve picked up a lot of pain management techniques from him. The two most important ones for me at the moment are:

1. Take care but don’t stop moving.
2. The pain could always be worse.

It’s also a great help to know that I’ve got an amazing girlfriend that I can count on.

Today is all about popping ibuprofen and trying to get some work done.

The rigor and candor and general sense of exploration I enjoy in other blogs is absent from what I post. I just don’t feel strongly enough about blogging, and I’m not willing to devote enough time to blogging to write posts at a level I’m proud of.

I originally intended this blog to house some of my craziest, most radical ideas. The failure is totally on me, but my big external discouragement is that I’ve tried posting some of my middle of the road ideas and received alarmed messages from those who don’t get what this blog is supposed to  be about.

So from now on this blog will be darker than it already is. I might occassionally post some drivel, or I might start posting anonymously elsewhere. Who knows.

It’s good to know that other people agree with my thinking on British (and USian, to a lesserish extent) drinking culture. Emphasis mine:

Gamers vote. Gamers buy newspapers. They won’t vote for you, or buy your newspapers, if you trash their entertainment with your ignorant ravings. Call them social inadequates if you like, but when they have more friends in World of Warcraft than you have in your entire sad little booze-oriented culture of a real life, the most you’ll get from them is pity.

From here.

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.

-Thomas Paine

I wish smart people would stop telling me things like this. They only makes me feel sillier and stupider for doing some of the things I do.

I know why my blog is boring, but I don’t have the energy (read: I’m scared) to fix it.

Writing anecdotes is hard.

Talking about other people is hard.

Being honest is even harder than both.

The following is one of my favorite quotes:

Anyone desperate enough for suicide…should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.
– Richard Bach

Early in 2007, I vowed to live by the maxim behind this quote.  I don’t think I’ve been doing that well following it since I got to school.

I’m not suicidal, not by a long shot. But I’m truly and fundamentally dissatisfied, disappointed, frustrated, and fed up with school.

Anticipation is poisonous. When you constantly plan the future, you are forsaking the present.

An illustration from my life: Whenever I’m in school I’m always planning and plotting what will come after. After graduation I’m going to move to Seattle or Portland, find a good job, build a good circle of friends, and live happily ever after.

There’s nothing wrong with this plan. The problem is that I’ve never been convinced that I need some piece of paper to accomplish anything, so I constantly feel the impulse to just take off and start down the post-graduation plan. That’s where the toxicity kicks in.

As the pull intensifies, it draws my attention from the wonderful value that school can provide. Then I start feeling ever more anxious to leave. Eventually, the breaking point arrives where the tension between the forces of stay and go overwhelm me, breeding anxiety and then depression.

The way around this, or through it, is to focus on the moment. Not necessarily on the value it can provide, but in the fact that endeavoring to accomplish difficult tasks can be its own reward. After focus is put back on the present, the value of now becomes clearer and the anxiety flows away, a rhythm of living in the moment emerges and happiness reigns.

Getting caught up in the future, no matter how broad the strokes you’re dreaming in, can draw too much attention from what is important: The people and things and activities that surround you everyday.

Benjamin Franklin kept a daily log that detailed how well he upheld his thirteen virtues. Apparently he didn’t do very well most of the time.Here’s his list:

1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. MODERATION. Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
11. TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Do you have any other virtues to add?

I read this over at Reg’s blog:

Good God, some of the new young actors say they don’t know whether they wanted to be actors or not! I cannot understand this. To me, it is like saying you can’t make up your mind whether or not you love a certain woman. If you don’t then take a walk.

In acting, as in love, there is no place for indifference.

—Trevor Howard

Programming makes me sick.

When I sit down to program I lose everything that makes me human. All of my being becomes centered around the machine. When it’s time to quit for the day I have to pull myself away, and drag my inner self back to the surface for the next couple hours.

When I’m programming I don’t eat or sleep properly. I barely get enough exercise. I get sad and moody. It’s absolute hell.

Sure, I do get pleasure from programming–I’m good at it–but it doesn’t come close to outweighing the horrible things it does to me.

I need to must find something else to do with my life. Though I have no idea what.